2014, the year Ben finishes his residency! In some ways I'm having a hard time accepting it is actually here, that we actually made it. In other ways it has felt like FOREVER. But as we approach this exciting milestone in our lives I've been thinking alot about the last four years. Most of my thoughts are jumbled up but I would still like to try to get them down to remember. These have been the hardest four years of my entire life. In ways I find difficult to even explain. When we moved here I left behind a huge support group of other wives in similar situations and came to a ward where noone had any idea what we were doing. In a way it was kind of nice for me to leave behind the drama and stress having a large friend base can have but in so many ways it made my life hard. It didn't take long for me to feel very very alone.
As I watched friends online, and acquaintances here in Chicago get lives of their own I felt like I was losing mine. Don't misunderstand, I LOVE my kids. I LOVE being a stay at home mom and I wouldn't have it any other way. But the circumstances I have been doing it in are what I don't love. I watched friends get nice homes with nice furnishings and decor, send their kids to private schools, go on girls trips, run lots of fun races, go on dates with their husbands, read books, have girls nights, shop, etc. I know those things are not really what matters in life. I know they don't bring true happiness. But they can help make life enjoyable, they can lift spirits and refresh minds and re-motivate when discouraged. And I also know from experience that without
any of those types of escapes and breaks in life, it is easy to feel weighed down and discouraged.
I think the easiest way to explain is that after coming here I felt like I was split into three people: Jordan the "Mom", Jordan the "Wife", and Jordan the "Person". Jordan the mom was doing ok, worn out and short on patience somethings but was doing what she had always wanted to do...be a mom to great kids. Jordan the wife was quickly shriveling up in a drought of having any of her needs met. (full blame on residency). And Jordan the person has pretty much completely disappeared from absolutely no life of her own other then taking care of the kids and home. No close friends, no playgroups, no chance to exercise, no girls nights, no life of her own. For awhile I clung to running and being in great race shape and that helped a little, having at least one little thing to do for myself that was mine. I was able to do the Ragnar in 2011 with my Philly friends. But during the second year I injuring my knee and hip (overuse injuries) and lost the last thing of myself. To say it kind of devastated me would be an understatement. I have sacrificed a lot for this path we have taken and my ability to run was the last thing I had left. When it was gone I felt very very lost. Who was I other then a house slave? I'm still not sure I know the answer to that since not much has changed with my life other then learning to deal with the fact I have, as my own person with my own identity, don't exist right now.
It was during that second year I really started to understand how the Atonement can work in your life. Before then I always thought of it as a way to repent of things you have done wrong...and usually thought of BIG things: lying, swearing, stealing, breaking word of wisdom or chastity. All of those things I've never had a problem with. Then Ben showed me a quote that explained how the atonement covers all types of pain. Pain from guilt from having down something wrong AND pain from loneliness, sadness, disappointment, frustrations and so on. The Atonement was there for me with all the pain I had felt from a starved marriage relationship and a disappearing identity. And I tried my best to use it. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed to get through it. I can't really say the pain left, but I was able to move forward and endure to the end (or almost the end as I'm there now!)
A friend on facebook posted a Jewish proverb that applies and I usually fell back on it when I needed to. "Don't pray for a lighter load to carry, pray for a Stronger back." And I really believe that is what happened. I think my Savior helped strengthen my back so I could handle everything I needed to. Usually never without difficulty, but I did it. I have come out a better person because of it. A little broken maybe, with a sense of sadness I didn't know before, but a better one for it. A more compassionate and understanding, less judgmental and more excepting.
There are a few things I've learned that have helped me along the way:
One, STOP comparing to others. for me this meant I had to quit looking at blogs because it was making me feel very resentful towards Ben that I couldn't do all the things my friends were doing. I was not jealous that they were doing it and I was very happy for my friends. I just felt resentful that because Ben was off getting this grand degree/title I was left with nothing for myself. Once I stopped looking at what could have been for me if we hadn't done this, I felt much better.
It sounds cliche, but I really tried to look for the good everywhere. When the kids were struggling in a school that isn't the greatest I tried looking at what they have learned from going there. They have learned to be comfortable around all different types and races of people.
There was an EFY song when I was a teen that talked about a stone being tossed and turned down the river but how it was a refining process. I tried looking at difficult things as a challange. I was too strong to let the fact that I couldn't do things like shop and girls nights and run endless amounts of races ruin my life. Everything I've given up and sacrificed for Ben and the kids has been part of a refining process. As I lost the ability to define myself by the things I have done I learn who I really was. That I really was a daughter of God, that he LOVED me regardless of my list of accomplishments. All those superficial things were chipped away leaving just me...and learning who "just me" is.
I stopped writing lists, except for grocery/meal lists. They only showed me everything I wasn't able to get done and how far behind I was and left me feeling frustrated towards the kids and Ben. Once I got rid of those I felt much lighter. I said my prayers that I would be able to determine what was most important to get done and then be able to do those things. Then I put my trust in Heavenly Father for help and stopped worrying over it. I always worked out.
I stopped caring what others thought of me. I never did too much before, but I really had to let go of the expectations I had for myself. This is especially true at church with my calling. I did the best I could and that just had to be enough.
As for the marriage, I took my mom's advice. This time wouldn't last forever, just try to not overthink the relationship (and damage I was so worried was being done) and deal with fixing everything when residency was over. Sometimes I'd remind ben that after residency that specific thing that had happened wouldn't be tolerated :) And once a year when ben got some time off and was home long enough to readjust to being home everything was great between us.
