Life

I am tired today. We have so much going on right now and for some reason felt that writing it down might make me feel better. I really think keeping a journal could do me some good. So here are a few of my rambling thoughts I've wanted to record:


GREAT GRANDMA FOSTER'S (AKA Grandma Silverhair) FUNERAL My great grandma, Margaret Foster, passed away a few weeks ago. She was 94ish years old with pretty severe dementia. We saw her last december at the family christmas party. She was in her wheelchair and just sat and would smile sometimes. One of her daughters had to arrange her head in the right direction for the family picture to be taken...she didn't even know what was going on. BUT when I went to talk to her with my boys she seemed to just light up! She smiled and lifted her hand to hold Evretts hand. My dad gave the Eulogy at her funeral and spoke mostly about what a WONDERFUL wife, mother, and grandmother she was. She was a true homemaker...made everyone who came into her home feel welcomed and loved. She raised some really good kids who have also raised really good kids. I also learned that she was a very very good seamstress! So my love for fabrics and sewing has come from both sides of the family (thatcher & foster). We laughed to ourselves at the funeral b/c my dad quoted much of one of Sister Beck's talks at general conference titled "a mothers heart" and everyone LOVED it. Little did they know they were getting "mormon" teachings :) I had all the boys with me and it was really good for them to see a Lutheran service. Colin commented on how everyhing was just memorized and repeated and that there was a lot of standing and sitting :) As I watched her children carry in her casket I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for the knowledge of the plan of salvation AND felt so sad for the rest of them that didn't have it! They knew the basics...that she was in a better place...but nothing beyond that! They really are a wonderful family I wish they would listen to what my dad has been trying to tell them about the church for years.


 RAISING KIDS IN THE GHETTO Well, not quite the ghetto, but definitely not the neighborhoods I grew up in either. I usually try really hard to keep a positive attitude about various aspects of our current situation. I try really hard to "make lemonade out of lemons". I am truly truly grateful Colin and Brannon have been exposed to so many different types of people, different home situations, different cultures and different believes. I really think it gives them a strength they wouldn't otherwise have. Neither of them see race or class at all. They will be friends with anyone no matter what they look like or where they live. They don't see "cool" or "dorky". They are 2 of very few white kids at an elementary school of 1000 kids. Most are hispanic and most of their parents speak spanish, few of them ever talk to me. Aunt Haylee and Grandma Lala said they feel so out of place when they go to the school, but we are so used to it and I am grateful for that. I am grateful they went visiting teaching with my in Philly, to homes with roken furniture, sagging ceilings, bugs, and bad smells. I am grateful they have learned to love everyone no matter their circumstance in life. I really really am. But after 6 years in these types of neighborhoods and wards I am feeling done. I am feeling tired. and feeling like it sure would be nice to feel like we fit in. I would be so nice to walk the kids to school and have someone to talk to or say Hi to me (my creepy old man friend-Ron-from last year moved to California) It would be nice to go to the PTA meetings and have a person sit by me (I usually have a 10 foot empty radius around me. It would be nice to send Colin to scouts knowing that he will be included and have fun making friends. Last week I was pulled aside at the end and told that Colin was jumped on and chocked by an 11 year old black kid from south chicago just b/c Colin's team was winning the game they were playing. Two weeks earlier Colin and the only other 8 year old scout were locked in a room and then a few of the 11/12 year olds finally opened teh door but it was to push the younger boys to the ground and kick them and squeeze they around their necks. It just broke this mothers heart to hear this. I did my best to stay level and talk to Colin about it. I fretted about confronting the boys and their parents (some come from a few of the better families in the ward) but I just didn't think telling on the kids would make them any nicer to Colin. So instead I bake a HUGE chocolate chip cookie and at the end of scouts last night gave it to the one 11 year old boy, Isaac, who has always been very nice to Colin (and who told Colin to come find him if the others were being mean) in front of all the other boys. I told him thank you for always being so nice to my younger boys. The others were pretty jealous and I just hope they got the point....being nice pays off! Again, Colin is TOUGH. He doesn't let any of this get him down and he is 100% ready to go back to scouts the next week. He doesn't hold grudges and he understnads when I explain that some of the boys don't come from good homes and are not treated well by their parents. I just hope and pray it will give him more character strength then damage. The kids at their school are very very nice, It made me sad it was at church where kids were mean.


ROLLING WITH IT This all starts back in December. I was getting some of the christmas boxes out of the attic (the huge partially finished room upstairs that I through all our junk in and the boys go through the packed boxes...so it is a huge mess) and had a very clear thought that I needed to clean through some things to make it easier when we move. I brushed it off since we aren't moving for 2.5 years and didn't want to waste time on that right now. Then Ben tells me one night he spoke with the director of the OFMS program in Arizona (that was his first choice) becausehe heard that a second year was dropping out. Turned out to be true and so for the next few months Ben kept in tough with this guy as he was thinking of transfering to AZ. I didn't think much of it but last week Burrows (the director) told Ben that it is down to just him and one other applicant for the spot, so Ben is secretly flying out next weekend to check out the program. His program here can't know anything about this until he is offeren the the other spot. This doesn't happen very often and will leave his current Chicago program short handed, which mkes him feel bad BUT the attendings here have not lived up to all their promises for the program and the other residents, who should be doing lots of surgerys, are very very frustrated with their lack of training. Arizonna is the opposite and Ben really really really wants to go. It seems crazy that this might happen but when I start thinking of all the strange things that have kind of led up to this happening I can't help but think it might actually happen. Last year we were going to sign a 3 year contract with our landlords for our house, that was the plan, but when they got here with the contract she said they just felt a one year would be best. Plus the feelings I had about cleaning our house out. Plus Ben just happened to get the whole weekend off-friday thru sunday- when AZ wanted him to fly out there to interview which means he doesn't have to explain the trip to anyone here. AZ wanted a recommendation from someone here for Ben, but since his attendings couldn't know he was thinking of transfering he didn't know what he was going to do. Then one day he ran into the attending from his medicine rotation (who really really liked Ben's work ethic)three times in ONE day when he hadn't seen him in months and was able to ask him for a reference. The craziest thing is if this does happen, we will find out mid may and need to move by July 1st. So it will be a crazy quick move. I'm trying to stay neutral. Both outcomes have advantages and disadvantages that kind of weigh equal for me and the kids BUT I think we would be in a better ward with lots more kids and a better school. That would be really nice. Not to mention we might make some friends! and would be much closer to 3 sets of gradparetns and Aunt Haylee and Uncle Cameron. See, I really haven't like Chicago. For whatever reason the people here are kind of self centered and judgemental. I really feel it in our ward. Without going into a lot of details I just do not feel like I fit in as a nice stay and home mom who supports her husband. I don't feel like my contributions are judged more then appreciated b/c everyone else seems to think they could do a better job. Of course there are exceptions and have made some friends in the other ward with Evrett's preschool friends, but I still just do not feel like we belong here. I would be so so so sad to leave 2 things. 1 (THE BIGGEST) is my family. It has been so wonderful to be so close to them! Especially since I have no other help here. Philly I had so many friends I could call on for help, but not here. Just today Evrett woke up sick and was have really really troubled breathing and Brannon had a big parent day at school. I couldn't take care of both and Ben was working all day and all night. So I called my mom to come help. She dropped all her plans and drove out to go to Brannon's school day and take care of kids after after school while Evrett and I spent a couple of hours at the docs office trying to get his breathing under control. He was so wheezy and sick and out of it when we went it. It had me pretty scared b/c none of his medications were working (he gets asthma that is triggered by colds/virus) After two -double medication- nebulizer treatments his Oxygen level was only at 89/90/91!! Which is not good. She sent us home with specific instructions to watch him closely b/c we might need to take him into the ER again that night if his breathing got so bad again. My mom was fully willing to stay the night since Ben wouldn't be home but I just prayed Evrett would get better quick. Well we ordered Pizza from our fav place, Freddys, and that seemed to cure him. He hadn't eaten anything all day but got up, smiles, and ate 2 huge pieces of pizza, did another nebulizer treatment and seems to be doing much much better. I am grateful for prayer!! So anyway, with all of this stuff going on the last week or so I am just plum exhausted and could really sue a vacation right now. But since I know that won't happen I will just dig deep and keep plugging along one day at a time. This has not been an easy road that we have taken but we haven't tried to make the best of it and hopefully I will come of out if a stronger and more well rounded person then before...and not a total wreck.